Do Dumpers Move On Faster?

Do dumpers move on faster? That’s what we’re going to be talking about
today. But first, my name is Clay with Modern Where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you’re looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
to get and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not because
you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing and wonderful person that you are. And if you agree with me, do me a favor by
hitting that thumbs up button and by subscribing to this channel if you’re new here. Okay, so let’s get into this whole topic about
dumpers and dumpees. Who moves on faster? Now, obviously the dumper has probably had
time to think about this breakup for a while. If you’re on the receiving end of the breakup,
maybe you could tell that there were relationship problems brewing, but you didn’t actually
initiate it. So many times the person who initiated the
breakup, the dumper, if you want to use the technical term. They have a little bit more anticipation that
this is coming. They know this is coming. They initiate it and so they can make moves
after the breakup a little bit sooner because it’s not so much of a shock for them. If you are on the receiving end, maybe you
could see some trouble brewing or maybe this was a total blindside breakup where it just
hit you out of nowhere, but you were caught off guard probably a little bit at least. And so it’s going to be a little bit harder
for you to move on. Now we also want to look at what it actually
means to move on. A lot of people toss this term around really
generically. Is moving on just a matter of being in a relationship
with someone else? Some people think so, but there are a lot
of people who I have seen over the years who have ended up in rebound relationships or
emotionally unavailable situations or things like that. And these people have clearly not moved on. They’re clearly not emotionally over their
breakup. It doesn’t matter if they were the dumper
or the dumpee or if they initiated it or were on the receiving end of it. If they have not healthily dealt with the
emotions from the breakup then they haven’t really moved on. They’re just trying to paper it over with
a new relationship or some sort of external thing. The truth is if it’s a rebound relationship,
then it’s not truly moving on. It’s just trying to mask the pain or mask
the emotions that that person is experiencing with something new, some sort of fluffy kind
of thing. Okay. So again, what are some signs that this is
a rebound relationship? Number one, biggest one is displacement. That’s where the new relationship sort of
moves really fast to match the level of commitment that you had with your ex. Maybe the two of you were talking about getting
married and suddenly they’re super committed to this other person and within a matter of
weeks or months, talking about getting married. That’s actually what to me and my ex after
we eventually broke up for good because we noticed that we just wanted different things
in life. We had different values and all of that. She actually ended up in a rebound relationship
and they got engaged two weeks later. Intense. Crazy. I know. But I really, that’s the thing that’s supposed
to happen on movies or TV shows or something. But that happened to me. Yeah. So anyway, that’s a story for another day. Clearly a rebound relationship and it had
some problems. Let’s just say that. I heard from some mutual friends that they
had some difficulties as you could probably imagine when you get engaged to somebody after
knowing them for two weeks. But anyway, dumpers can move on because they
anticipate the breakup happening sooner and they’re also able to withdraw emotionally
from the breakup sooner than people who are caught off guard by it. But if you are able and willing to handle
the breakup in a healthy way. If you’re able to handle your emotions in
a healthy way, then you’re actually able to move on a whole lot more healthfully and a
whole lot better. And again, moving on isn’t just about dating
other people or being over your ex and putting up a dating profile or anything like that. Moving on is about being emotionally okay
with what happened, not being in damage control mode, not going through the amazing, wonderful,
awful, terrible emotional roller coaster that both dumpers and dumpees go through after
a breakup. Moving on is about being emotionally okay
with what happened and being able to create a compelling new future for yourself despite
what happened. It’s not a reaction to the past. It’s not an echo to the past. It’s not being bitter or cynical about your
ex. It’s not anything like that. It’s about being okay with what happened and
being able to create something new and you can do that fast if you’re a dumper or if
you’re a dumpee as long as you’re able to put your attention on it. The problem is that so many people distract
themselves with rebound relationships with doing all sorts of things that don’t matter,
like working out at the gym all the time. Although I guess these days a lot of gyms
are, closing down because of the whole virus thing. But they’re doing all sorts of things in order
to distract themselves. And as long as you’re distracting yourself
from reality, from your emotions. Your emotions aren’t just going to heal on
their own. There’s this saying that time heals all wounds
and time can help. Sure. But if you’re just hoping that the mere passage
of time is going to heal your wounds, heal all wounds, then you’re going to be in for
a rough ride because time by itself is not going to heal. Especially when you’re not actually addressing
and paying attention to those wounds. And you’re just looking the other way. It’s like if you were to break your arm, yes,
time will heal your arm, right? But you have to actually do things to actually
heal that broken bone. You have to actually do things to allow that
to heal. You can’t just ignore the fact that you have
a broken arm and just go live life as normal and expect that time is going to mend that
bone. The same happens when it comes to your broken
heart, when it comes to your emotions after a breakup. You have to put your attention on that in
order to actively heal and in order to actively be able to move on from the past. So first of all, I’ve mentioned several things,
so you might want to check out our series on rebound relationships up there. If you want to learn more about rebound relationships,
if you think that your ex is in a rebound relationship because they have air quotes
here moved on because they are actually dating someone else or something like that. Maybe they have moved on. Maybe it’s just a rebound relationship, but
you might want to check out that series to learn a little bit more about what’s happening
to see if that is maybe what’s happening or maybe it’s not what’s happening. Also, you might want to check out this series
over here about getting over your breakup because getting over your breakup, it’s not
necessarily about not getting back together. In fact, getting over your breakup is actually
the first step in getting back together if you’re going to do it in a healthy, responsible
and a good way that’s going to set you and your ex up to have a great relationship with
one another. But whether or not you’re going through a
breakup and you want to get back together or whether or not you’re going through a breakup
and you want to move on and date other people, all that stuff. The first thing that you want to do is move
on from the breakup. Get your emotions handled, get them under
control, work through those emotions. Go through the messy, confusing, heartbreaking,
crazy ride of those emotions and get them handled so that whether you get back together,
whether you date someone else, whether you have another relationship with someone else,
you’re doing it in a responsible way and you’re not doing something like getting into a rebound
relationship, getting into some sort of train wreck marriage where you get engaged two weeks
after your breakup or anything like that. Make sure that you do that. Make sure that you do that because whether
or not somebody seems like they’re moving on, it’s not just a matter of doing the things
that somebody who has moved on would do in order to move on. It’s not just a matter of dating someone. It’s not just a matter of putting up a dating
profile. It’s not just a matter of, going to singles
bars or anything like that. It’s a matter of actually responsibly handling
your emotions. You have to responsibly handle your emotions
in order to create a new future that’s not just an echo of the past. That’s not just a reaction to the past. It’s not just a rebound relationship that’s
not filled with displacement, that’s not filled with all sorts of emotional baggage, that’s
not filled with all sorts of arguments and all that stuff. You want to know why rebound relationships
have such a poor track record? It’s because the people in them haven’t moved
on. It’s because the people that are getting into
these relationships are still hung up on their ex. They’re still dealing with all of the emotional
complexities of their breakup and all of the emotional feelings and they’re just trying
to paper it over with a new relationship. It doesn’t work. It’s not a healthy dynamic to be in, so no
matter whether you’re going to get back together with your ex or whether you’re going to date
someone else. No matter what the future holds for you after
your breakup, the most important thing for you to do is to move on emotionally so that
you can create something that makes sense for you and make sense for what you want in
your life. That is what you want to do after a breakup. Anyway, once again, this is Clay. Thank you so much for watching this video. If you like what we’re doing, do me a favor,
hit that thumbs up button or subscribe to this channel if you are new here. Also, you may want to check out this series
I put together on rebound relationships or you may want to check out this video over
here, but thank you so much for watching this video. Take care and I’ll talk to you next time.

23 thoughts on “Do Dumpers Move On Faster?

  1. Thank you for watching this video. For more info on rebound relationships, check out this series:

  2. P.S. Sorry that happened to you Clay. Exact same thing happened to me. Three times. I've actually been one of those "warm-up" relationship guys. (I think there was a movie about that phenomenon?) Anyway, I know you're fine and moved on nicely, but I know it hurt in that time.

  3. Hi, my ex said she was hiding her feelings and was thinking about me a month after the breakup but still doesn’t want to talk to me first or see me. No contact the best way to go?

  4. After 13 years together and I was always there for her honest loyal trustworthy and faithful she left me,,,it took me a year to become indifferent,,,and now it's 3 years and she hasn't, it still affects her to see me.

  5. Happened to me clay,,she projected me on to him and he couldn't replace what I was to her, as I told her when she left that no one would

  6. My ex claimed she was hurting for months before she broke up with me. I liked her but it was hard to want to put your all into someone who’s house was messy and stunk from her seven cats and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to eat over there. She said it was because I didn’t care about her. She was bipolar and had other health issues and canceled a lot of dates.. She went right to a Facebook friend after breaking it off with me. Sometimes they do you a favor.

  7. When you move on, you get detached and it's only by being detached that you allow new possibilities to arrive in your life.

  8. I've made leaps and bounds in building an emotional connection with my ex thanks to your videos! She's opened up to me A LOT and I was only able to do this after intentionally befriending her so I could spend time alone with her. I'm worried, however, that she sees me as only a friend. Is a week of active no-contact a smart move, now that the ball is rolling?

  9. I guess my ex was thinking about to break up 2 months before dumping me.. N had sex with his later new girl only 3 days later xD.. He behaved like I never existed.. Or more like he never felt something except friendship. She was a friend from past.. He been always like everything is cool . N 3 months after dumping he texted me drunk n abusive
    Well I donno whts going on in his mind. But I am tired of this. I don't feel tht he had time to think about me.. Or the rs..

  10. Being in love is difficult…I don't understand at all . Why it is so hard to reconcile one another ? If than everything will be fine

  11. I was the dumper, broke her heart so bad. Came back two months later and she told me to move on! I'm in so much pain even after 6 months.

  12. Hi clay. I'm feeling confused about some conflicting advice. In one video you mentioned breadcrumbs should be ignored, but another you mentioned we should build up positive interactions. Which is the right way when my ex is texting me but it's just small talk and no intention to meet up.

  13. If my ex has lost feelings but not lost them completely what can I do to maybe help resurface some of those feelings? I believe I am being put in the friend zone right now, our interactions are positive but I don’t believe they mean anything more to him. He wanted to go out and do an activity with me today and he seemed happy and at one point held my hands to keep me steady but I don’t think there was anything more to that. How can I change this?

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